The First Time I Held You
Having a baby for the first time is such an amazing experience. Nervous, anxious, feeling unprepared no matter how many times I’d checked my hospital bag over and knowing that I’d ironed everything in the home while nesting, including every single sock and pair of underwear. There was nothing left to do, but nothing could prepare me for what was to come.
An incredibly long labour that was officially in “latent” form for the first four days, but you were stuck and something was very wrong and I just wasn’t aware because it was my first baby. Going through a traumatic birthing process and then between my son being unwell and my being suspected of being unwell we were kept apart for over 2 days.
Nervously and excitedly pumping milk for this little man that I was yet to meet was all that was keeping me going, knowing that they would check me over and allow me up to see him after 48 hours. I had a terrible blurry picture on Daddy’s old mobile phone that I would stare at while expressing milk for him and dreaming of the first time we could have the skin to skin that I so desperately craved.
That second evening it became too difficult, sitting expressing in a babyless room and they came to tell me I had a hungry growing boy who had some healthy lungs on him screaming for more milk and I wasn’t pumping it quick enough. I burst into tears and agreed that they should top him up with Aptamil.
That night was the hardest. The next morning they let me know that I could finally go and see him up on the neonatal ward. I was so nervous and excited. This little bundle that was missing from my tummy where I had grown him for nine months was waiting and ready to meet me.
He was getting better quickly and had less wires than the picture I had. I had to wait while they did the ward round and the doctors determined that it was ok for me to get him out of his little incubator. Still a tube in his nose and a canula in his hand I was able to hold my baby boy.
I can honestly say it was the most precious moment. I was completely in shock still from the traumatic birth but for that moment, I felt like I was walking on air. He was the most perfect thing I had ever seen and I never wanted to let him go.
We had to get help from the breastfeeding specialist once he had got to a place where he could feed on me, so that we could establish a good latch as he had been having drip feeds and then lapping from a cup. It wasn’t easy but I never wanted to be apart from him ever again.
To hear the details of my birth story see my YouTube video here that I filmed a few months back.
*This post is an entry into the Tots100/WaterWipes Baby Milestones challenge.