Why We Won’t Be Having Any More Babies
Our beautiful daughter Eden turned 2 last Thursday. I can’t believe it, 2 years old. The time has flown and dragged all at the same time. She was the most peaceful and teeny baby for so long, she would always look at me with so much expression, I used to think there were times she was mocking me, but would dismiss it as she was tiny. She still pulls those faces now but she can also back them up with her words. She really does mock me sometimes, she has such an amazing sense of humour. So much personality in one so tiny.
Eden turned 2 last Thursday and I still weigh a crazy amount more than before I got pregnant with her. I still struggle to walk and have a very weak body. My emotional state has NEVER been what it was before we conceived her. It has been 2 years and I am so over feeling broken.
This baby has brought so much joy into my life. They all do, but the effect going from 3 to 4 had in my life was absolutely crazy. Maybe, it was having 2 toddlers, maybe it was because I had to be Mum to 2 older girls as well as having 2 toddlers that I was learning how to Mother full-time. Who knows, but I have felt like a failure most of the time since we had Eden. When we had Judah and the girls I felt like Super Mum. We constantly had people round at our home, our home was always tidy (massively so compared to how it is now), I would cook meals fresh every evening, I would go to the gym at 6 o’clock in the morning, I would attend Zumba class, I would take 3 non-swimmers swimming each week, and taught 2 of them to swim (Judah was still tiny). I would manage a 40 minute each way school run in all weathers to collect the girls on the school days that we had them (Thursdays and Fridays), I learned to drive a car. I taught singing lessons from my home. The girls attended ballet, tap and modern every week, partook in shows and exams.
The person that I am now, is a very different one. I feel like a failure constantly, like everything I do, I can’t do it well. I’m so thinly spread. I want to be the best Mum in the world, I want to do arts and crafts, I want to cook them healthy meals, I want to be able to exercise and go out for long walks, I want to be able to provide extra curricular activities. I want to be able to earn money. I just seem to fail at EVERYTHING. I can’t be a good Mum because it all feels too much. We had an aupair for 5 months and I still couldn’t get on top of things.
Gosh, I sound like such a whinge bag, but I’m just putting this out there for others that may feel the same. As soon as I became pregnant with Eden I experienced a chemical imbalance. I was immediately suicidal. I went straight to the GP as I knew that this was completely irrational, I had never been happier. They put me on some tablets, and a week later I found out I was pregnant. Judah was 7 months old. Of course I came straight off the tablets, and my emotional state was monitored throughout my pregnancy.
I am a terrible pregnant person, I stopped blogging at this point because all I had to say was never anything positive, every single week was a struggle. I have horrendous hyperemesis gravidarum when I’m pregnant, I couldn’t keep water down at one point and would be constantly at the GP and hospital. I also, as well as SPD, have hypermobility which displays itself as my not being able to walk when I’m pregnant without my extra lax muscles making my hips come out of joint. I was on crutches from 9 weeks pregnant with Eden and bed bound before I hit the second trimester.
As the pregnancy drew to an end and my due date came closer I would be worse. I was at the stage where I couldn’t take myself to the bathroom, James had to do EVERYTHING for me. I would beg to be induced at every appointment once she was at a safe gestational age. Something in my sound mind I would strongly object to, but I just wanted her out of me, I wanted to feel normal again and to enjoy this beautiful baby girl that I knew I was carrying, but felt as though would never arrive after spending months in my bed. I have to say I am a rubbish patient too, the amount of times I would be scrubbing tiles in the shower as I was nesting and refusing to give in to my lack of movement. I’d sit on my pilates ball and try and move myself around the house to clean, which would result in my tummy muscles tearing even more than usual and my just becoming more and more useless all the time.
After all this, I have to say that I would go through it all again in a heartbeat for another child. Every single one of our children is the biggest blessing and Eden especially brings so much joy to us. Maybe it’s because she’s so dinky, maybe it’s because she’s the baby, maybe it’s because she’s so cheeky and always happy. We don’t have favourites, but she just is, as her name means, a ‘delight’.
Due to the fact that I am horrendous pregnant, we planned a vasectomy for my husband before my pregnancy was over, we knew that if Eden arrived and was happy and healthy in the New Year this was the first thing that James was going to do. He wanted it too, after experiencing how traumatic my being pregnant was for the whole family.
I see so many friends and especially bloggers at the moment that are pregnant. It makes me ridiculously broody. I always wanted 3, James always wanted to have 3 with me. We wanted 5, I’m one of 5 (2 adopted siblings) so I guess that’s where I’d determined my family size from. James, well, he would just have as many babies as he could, he LOVES little babies. He is a very broody Daddy and amazing with newborns.
I look at my life and I see that it would be absolutely ridiculous for us to have another child, and feel grateful that we already made it so that couldn’t happen, as James and I in our impulsive natures would probably have thought, ah, forget it, and conceived another anyway. Eden is 2 and I still can’t walk properly. Another pregnancy would probably finish me off (and maybe my marriage haha, just kidding James I know you would amazingly put up with me and survive somehow).
We’ve talked about adopting. In the future, when Eden is older, about 10 we’d like to adopt a 7 or 8 year old. A child that they say is past the point of achieving a Forever Home, and we long to give them a forever home. This hole in our hearts will be filled one day, and I’d love the child to be able to look back here and know that they were extremely planned and wanted by us.
So, anyway, I just wanted to put it out there as we are both extremely broody at the moment, why we won’t be having any more babies.
Please comment if you are in a similar situation, or if like me you are horrendous pregnant. I always feel like all my friends are like the glowing lady in ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ who can still wear 7 inch heels and strut around looking like a supermodel whilst pregnant with twins.